Sad and infuriating at the same time.
It means spending endless hours thinking about the whys and what ifs.
It means spending your day trying to balance the wish to feel and act normal and failing. Every few hours.
It means learning that grief is not a tide of emotions that would sweep you off your feet and knock you out. Instead, it’s that constant dull ache in the pit of your stomach that you slowly start learning to live with.
It means squeezing your eyes shut and trying to remember all the little details, the conversations and his voice, his smile and getting hit by an overwhelming want to cry until there is nothing left to cry about, knowing you will never hear his voice again.
It means realizing how wrong you were to think you knew heartbreak.
It means feeling defenseless and small. And mortal.
It means learning to balance your life between numb and normal.
It means wanting to punch something every time some one says, “you’ll be fine.”
It means losing that one person who would always have time for you no matter how busy the world got.
It means losing someone who would trust you when you least deserve it. Love you selflessly and serve you unconditionally, without expecting anything in return, not even love.
It means learning that few voids are never filled.
It means feeling sad and angry. And then sad again.
It means losing that one person, that one man who would have never left your side willingly, who would have never hurt you, who would stand in your way to keep any harm from touching you.
It means losing that one smile that came out without fail, every time you were happy.
It means regrets. And wishing you had said ‘i love you’ to him more often.
It means trying to believe in afterlife. For the sake of holding on.
It means letting go when you didn’t want to, no matter how hard you tried to hold on.
Above all it means realizing how much you loved him and more over, just how much he loved you. And that the world would never be the same without him. Ever.
I have been meaning to write, but having to learn the art of multi-tasking yet, I haven’t really touched the ever-elusive line of being efficient.
Last couple of months have proven to be a little stressful, what with the constant travelling, work and other areas of my life that have been demanding my attention.
I want to start blogging regularly – there is this pair of shoes and some other cool stuff I have, that I have been dying to write about.
Well, I am also waiting for my camera and and meanwhile am trying to note down all the ideas that float in and out about the things I want to talk about. Would try to blog regularly once these little bumps smoothen out.
I’d like to give a quick shout out to all you wonderful people who happened to like my posts and follow my blog. (Honestly hadn’t expected to get noticed at all and though I know my blog isn’t exactly the latest sensation out there and there have been as many as just half a dozen who have dropped by to read my posts, you all made me smile and happy none-the-less!! “Thank you – you are awesome!!”)
Frankly it’s intimidating to see all these fancy blogs with amazing content doing rounds on the net with their authors sounding so confident and put together, knowing what they are doing, but I have decided, I am here to stay!!
Trying to find my footing and see where life (and my blog) takes me – one step at a time. 🙂
As I have mentioned in my previous post, my father is getting treated in a hospital in Pune, India. Taking advantage of being in a relatively nicer neighbourhood of the city, I have taken to going for evening walks. While taking one last evening, I was struck with the idea of writing a post about the place. Here we go!
The lane stretches to almost 3 kms. and lush green trees and shrubs adorn the sides of the road. The neighbourhood is a quiet & serene one with dense greenery, a rarity in urban India these days.
Almost opposite the hospital is the Osho Commune or as they call it, Rajneesh Osho Meditation Resort. Late Shree Osho is a famous and somewhat controversial spiritual teacher/Guru who apparently still has a huge following all across the world and the city witnesses a huge draw of tourists and spiritual seekers every year from all over the globe. Osho disciples in magenta and white robes are a common sight in the area (you can see one in the picture above if you squint your eyes). The disciples appear happy and relaxed to me. So much so that I am quite tempted to attend a discourse and see what this whole hurly-burly & mystique around Osho is all about!
A stone’s throw away from the ashram is this happy looking diner called ‘Dario’s’. My cousin tells me they serve good breakfast. *Note to self : Try it once!*
Ok here comes the exciting part!! 😀
As you go ahead you are distracted by a colourful sea of shoes in a little shoe corner.. It’s a make-shift kind of bohemian-ish shop that also sells colourful bags and provides robes on rent to the disciples. The shoes/flip flops are too pretty and vibrant to be true and my, are they CHEAP!! A pair sells for about Rs. 170 ($3)!! Carrie Bradshaw would have shrieked in delight! 😀
The sales guy in the picture, ‘Rahul’ was sweet enough to pose for me. The picture below is of the popular ‘Osho Chappals’ or Osho Slippers. Why are they called that, I don’t know but they are damn comfortable and cheaper than the other shoes. They do have a ‘hermit’ vibe to them because of their jute/bamboo soles and are environment friendly. How cute!!
I bought a pair – (I simply couldn’t resist!) *see below* one of my least expensive buys in footwear till date and quite sassy,with the fringed ribbon and all… I plan to go back there soon with a big and empty bag. 🙂
On a somber note, below is the picture of the infamous German Bakery. As you walk out of the lane and hit the main road (rather noisy and brimming with traffic), you instantly notice this cute bistro situated on the square. The once happy and thriving cafe & breakfast joint has been shut for the past 2 years and is still heavily guarded. The vibrant and cheerful graphics on the walls defy a rather painful past. The place fell victim to a terrorist attack in the year 2010. My heart goes out to the victims & their families.
I hope the place reopens and flourishes with all its former glory and spunk soon, healed and stronger than ever. *Amen*
That’s it for now. I hope you find the post of some help if you ever happen to visit this/corner of the city.
p.s. Please excuse the quality of pictures. I took them with my phone and there is only so much a phone’s cam can do.
Ok so hospitals are notorious for being depressingly depressive places to be at and I do not beg to differ on that thought.
(My father is unwell and I am in a hospital right now)
To cut a sob story short – with the efficient doctors and the sweet nurses doing their jobs, and I being of not much use except to just sit and stare at the gloomy charts & smell the medicated air, was thinking what to do. I have my exams next month but can’t study or find the will for the love of wise gods.
While reading a few interesting blogs & realizing how I have never really made time to write one, I created a (new) account in a hurry & trust me, for the next 20 minutes while I was busy with the inception of “Elfin Olive”, I had attained the state of Blogging Nirvana..
No worries, no distractions – absolute focus!! And it felt great!
So anywayyyyyy… What I really wanted to write about is that this picture popped up on my facebook feed recently.
I saw it. I smiled. Then I stopped smiling.
The thought that my kids (if & when I decide to have them in future) might not know the joy such as reading a Famous Four (Enid Blyton) under a blanket with a torch in your hand ’cause it’s late & you are supposed to be sleeping or refusing to put the Harry Potter down while your mum bellows in your ear about the dinner getting cold, is sad. Very sad….!!!
I know the prelude to my blog is longer than the blog itself. *What to do, I am cool like that!* 😀
Well, beginnings are rarely easy (fun? oh yes). I think the best word to describe starting at some (any) point is ‘awkward’. With me it’s been a journey of many awkwards.. Having wanting to write a blog and share (just putting something out there you know..?) for a long time, I gave up fairly early a lot of times.
Well life being life has been teaching me a lesson or two lately – You want something? you go get it. You want to write a blog? You just flipping do it!!
So here I am. With my first blog (not ever) 🙂
I might want to share someday why I named my blog ‘Elfin Olive’... Not today (tonight actually).
For now, it’s enough I wrote this note despite of not feeling really up for it. *Yay to growing up..*